Summer Movie Catch-Up

"Drag Me to Hell" - *** 1/2 out of 4 (I was too tired to review it)

As someone who’s never seen a minute of the original “Star Trek” television series, I found J.J. Abrams’s frenetically paced update to be extraordinary in every facet of the game. The action is incendiary, the script is refreshing and the cast gels together as well any Best Picture winner in recent memory. I, for one, don’t think it’s a stretch to call it the most rewarding Sci-Fi experience since 1999’s “The Matrix,” but I’ll save that argument for a later date. If you haven’t seen it yet, I suggest going soon, because it just wouldn’t be the same without the chaotic magnitude of your local multiplex.

- **** out of 4

“The Hangover” takes what classics such as “Animal House” and “Bachelor Party” did to a level that is almost guaranteed to make the audience keel over in a way that most comedies can’t even imagine. Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms and Zach Galifianakis are the perfect trio of impetuous misfits, because they actually buy into the “what happens in Vegas” philosophy to the point that not even the most morally repugnant behavior is off limits. Their escapades lead them to an emergency room, a police station and even Mike Tyson’s living room, where Galifianakis experiences first-hand what it feels like to get decked by the “Baddest Man on the Planet.” Every scene is pitch perfect in its mirth and even the most prudish individual should find something to crack a smile at because, in the end, it’s pretty effing hilarious.

- *** ½ out of 4

Tony Scott’s remake of “The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3” is the kind of breezy, snarling hostage flick you’ve seen a thousand times. Denzel Washington is the calm, cool and collected city employee whose ethical veracity is tested as he tries to put his kids through college. John Travolta is the intelligent, overconfident ex-convict who thinks that everything will play out according to his wily little plan.

When their lives intersect, the plot thickens and allows both of them to indulge in performances that are essentially predictable by their standards. Washington has played the devoted family man before and Travolta has been living off the slimy, silver-tongued criminal persona since “Face/Off,” so while their sardonic banter is fun to watch, the overall product would be best served on DVD.

- ** ½ out 4

*For the record, in no way, shape or form was this review based on Hasbro Action Figures

Comedian George Carlin used to spend countless hours ranting and raving about the manufacturing of American bullshit and I can’t help but think that his contempt was inspired by Michael Bay’s brazenly haphazard approach to movie making. I say this not because of some misplaced sense of animosity I have toward Bay, but because I didn’t buy one second of his latest commercial mind eraser “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.”

Seriously, am I the only one who thinks a five-year-old in his bedroom could’ve come up with a more compelling narrative?

Then again, why should I even bother exhausting so much vitriol on a film that rakes in money faster than a prostitute at the Bunny Ranch? It seems that whenever audiences lock on to something, they throw all rationality to the wind and convince themselves that a bloated, wasteful excuse for a summer popcorn movie is worthy of their devotion.

Personally, I approach a Michael Bay picture like something from M. Night Shayamalan in that I never let hope get it in the way of something I know will be more bologna than filet.

Anyway, back to the task at hand. I know I might be violating some fanboy law by saying this, but I don’t find the “Transformers” mythology to be the least bit interesting.

To me, the robots are predictable, the plot takes itself too seriously and the actors have nothing to do except run around screaming bloody murder. There’s no inherent drama in the story, because Bay has yet to figure out how to stage a scene of genuine emotion. He can, however, explore the heavenly anatomy of Megan Fox with expert precision, so I guess he’s not too far gone in that respect.

Shia LaBeouf tries like crazy to hold the film together, but the objective is really just to blow up as many things as possible and leave the audience in awe over American military technology. I was constantly reminded of those navy commercials with Godsmack blaring in the background, which is okay to a certain extent, but I could’ve easily stayed home and watched the commercial on YouTube without spending $7.50 on a ticket. Had Spielberg directed, I think he could’ve made this work, but Bay’s vision feels like someone vomited their imagination all over the screen and called it a day.

I’d like to think that with a little focus and professionalism, Bay can return to being a must-see director, because “Bad Boys,” “The Rock” and “The Island” were all quite good in their own hyperactive way. I would also put forth the notion that the audience is as much to blame as anybody, but that’s something I’ve touched on many times before, so I won’t delve into that here. That’s enough for now. I need to go find a tighter shirt.

- * ½ out of 4