Ladies and gentlemen, I come before you tonight in search of answers. I come before you tonight as a man seeking to decipher the labyrinthine inner workings of the female psyche and, with any luck, reach a tentative conclusion as to why women love assholes. Spend 10 minutes walking around any of the area’s outdoor festivals this summer and you’ll get a sense of where I’m coming from.
I’m convinced that this phenomenon has existed since the beginning of time, so why not devote a little time to exploring why?
After a year spent meandering through the shallow, vapid wasteland known as Internet dating, I’ve come to the conclusion that being called “nice” is the single most devastating compliment that can be bestowed upon a member of the human race. Think about it. When someone says “That’s nice,” they’re really just dancing around the negative energy that simmers below their pseudo-friendly exterior. They avoid confrontation in the name of common courtesy yet, deep down; they couldn’t care less about whatever it is you’re talking about.
Relationships are no different. When a woman says “You’re such a nice guy,” what she’s actually saying is that you’ll suffice until the “cool” guy gets here. All of the chemistry and sparkling rapport you’ve spent hours cultivating is nothing more than a smoke screen designed to let you down easy once a “real” man becomes mindful of her existence. It doesn’t matter if you’re a cosmic conversationalist or the poster child for feminine understanding and respect, because you’ll never be what Elaine Benes would call “sponge-worthy.”
Are women lying when they express their desire to find a genuine guy? Do they have some unexplained biological imperative that attracts them to guys who swear and wear tight shirts?
I don’t pretend to have a definitive response to either of those questions, but experience has led me to believe that nice guys have to exert twice as much effort just to have a chance with women deemed universally attractive.
When discussing the Sunset Strip of the 1980s, director Penelope Spheeris speculates that certain women derive arousal through sexual discrimination and I can’t help but think she might be onto something. Women literally threw themselves at every drug-addled, disease-infested rock star that crossed their path and wore the misogynistic overtones of the scene like a badge. They were objectified on a daily basis yet never seemed to get enough public humiliation to eradicate their delusions of grandeur.
Of course, I use the Strip as an extreme example of how “nice” guys are no match for the allure of “bad boy” rockers, but the general idea is very much in play.
If you’re still reading, you may be under the impression that I’m complaining about this sorry state of affairs, but that’s not the case at all. To say I’m complaining would be to imply that I somehow wish to pull a John Kerry and flip-flop my way over to the dark side. We both know that will never happen.
If anything, this is a rallying cry for guys who still cringe when thinking about how Laura chose Ted over Steve on “Family Matters.” Granted, she did end up marrying Steve in the show’s final season, but only after she realized the error of her ways. Maybe that’s it. Maybe certain physically stunning yet annoyingly self-important women feel that they’ll have us “nice” guys to fall back on in the event that their other relationships don’t pan out.
Think of it like that scene in the Howard Deutch classic “Pretty in Pink” when Duckie (Jon Cryer) tells Andie (Molly Ringwald) that he’ll no longer be around to offer unrequited emotional support. That’s what we’ve come to as a society. External beauty and materialism have overtaken intelligence and authenticity in the center stage of a relationship and the “nice” guys are the odd men out on all fronts.
Once again, these are just the astute observations of someone trying to get a handle on the world as we know it, so consider it an ongoing dilemma with no end in sight.
